The Void

Shane Burrell | Editor

During the last few days, I have noticed some changes in life. Changes that would normally be unnoticed, however something is a little different about them now.

I can feel myself recognizing that life is just not the same as it once was, that there is a void some place inside and it seems like that void has a need to be filled however nothing I do can really fill it.

It’s pretty odd. I mean I’m really not a person for superstitious behaviors and really don’t have a faith in anything but I know there is something going on.

They’re subtle hints, like a dream or a feeling I get when I recognize something or sometimes it just comes out of nowhere, however the feeling is always the same. There is a void that has a need to be filled.

Like last night, I had a dream that I was fighting for a relationship I don’t even want and I was competing with someone for that relationship and when I woke up I was overwhelmed with the feeling of abandonment and guilt. Like there was something I could have done to keep that relationship, but I know there was nothing I could have ever done to change the inevitable.

I’m not sure if there is just a part of me that still pines for that one love again or if it’s just my insecurities that make me want to believe there is no one else in the world for me. Whatever the case may be, it leave a void inside me that longs to be filled and that is probably the scariest thing ever.

I’m not the kind of person that needs someone to reassure me of who I am as a person, valuing myself and my independence has always been something I’ve been very sure about, but this void feeling has me thrown for a loop.

I mean, could I really allowed myself to lose so much of myself within a relationship that I actually forgot who I truly am? Or is it that I gave so much of myself that this feeling of a void is actually myself recognizing that something is missing?

I’m not sure… and I think that’s one of the parts that scares me most of all.

Everyone goes through that time in life where they’re exploring their identity and finding things out about themselves that they may or may not have known before.

But for me, I’ve always known what I would like and what I wouldn’t. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been open to trying knew things and exploring new places and that has always been something that I love, but I’ve known what works for me and what doesn’t.

So for this feeling of a void to exist inside me, it seriously fucks with me. How could I allow pieces of me be broken off or literally forget who I am as a person? How does one even accomplish something like that?

Knowing that I would be losing a piece of myself or any part of myself because of a relationship would be the last thing on my list of things to do. So it is really better to have loved then to not loved at all?

Honestly, I’ve been truly asking myself that question seriously lately.

I know people go through stuff like this all of the time and being resilient is something to really admire in a person but when do you know that enough is enough?

I mean knowing that they’re others out there that have experienced the feeling that I might be feeling is amazing and knowing that they can say, “me too,” makes me feel great to know that things will getting better. But I have never felt this feeling of an actual FUCKING “VOID.”

Like a legitimate feeling that something inside me is missing, truly is terrifying.

I have read self-help books that say allowing yourself to be vulnerable to possibilities is the best thing for living a “whole hearted life,” but what they never tell you is how much that shit hurts when it doesn’t work out.

They give all this great advice about placing yourself in vulnerable positions so you can say you actually tried your best and that you did everything truly possible but they never tell you about the feelings you’ll experience in the after math.

It’s like you can try your best and say that you have always placed your best foot forward and gave it your all but when you’re experiencing the void, much like myself, there is no advice for the pain you feel.

I’m sure that people would say the best thing that you can do is talk to someone, a friend, a family member you trust and maybe even a therapist, and that might be the best for some. But in my case my family can only help so much and friends are sometimes not able to be the most comforting.

So if there is any advice to get through things like this, and is not a Buzzfeed listicle, please let me know I would truly appreciate for advice on this subject.